A Philosophy of Spoons

Why did you give me a small spoon?

It was just the first spoon I grabbed. I’ll get you another.

I just don’t understand the purpose of small spoons? I mean, for a child, sure, but to be included in every set…

I like small spoons. What’s wrong with a small spoon?

What do you mean, what’s wrong with a small spoon! They’re pointless and absurd.

Jeez, that’s a little harsh. It’s just a spoon…here take the big one and be quiet.

Hear me out. See this spoon? It’s weighty, strong. When I hold it in my hand, I know it’s there. It’s gonna deliver, gonna do its job.

Hahahahah, ok.

No, see, you don’t get it. Come on, feel this spoon. Huh, it’s got weight, right? When you hold that spoon, you know you’re gonna get fed.

You’re so ridiculous. A little spoon does exactly the same job.

No. No, no it doesn’t. A little spoon is weak, hesitant. It has an inefficient load capacity.

Okay, so, you’d prefer a shovel?

Listen, if I choose, I can put less on a big spoon. It’s not that I have to load it up, it’s that I can. Understand? You don’t have that option with a little spoon. Therefore, the little spoon is redundant; it’s useless; it serves no purpose except to give you the perception that you’re eating less, which you aren’t, it’s just taking you more bites to get there.

I think you just insulted me… I’m feeling a little offended.

It’s not really offensive, it’s just a fact. But I mean, if you’re offended, maybe that’s something you need to look at… I’m just saying, perhaps you’re using the little spoon to make yourself feel like you’re a dainty and petite woman, when really, you have the appetite of a 200 pound man.

Oh my god! I can’t believe you just said that! 

Ok yeah… yeah, ok, that was too far. The real point here, is that they should just make one size spoon and be done with it. Everyone can just eat from the same darn spoon.

So what’s your take on small forks, then.

Equally pointless.

Hahahahaha. Now that we can agree on. A fork is really just for stabbing stuff, why does it need to be big or little?

Right? And you know honestly, why didn’t the spork ever become a thing? I mean seriously, it is truly the most useful device.

Could you see a spork at a fancy dinner party?

Hell yeah! Knives and sporks all around!

The Queen of England, eating with a spork…

The First Family, sporkin’ it up…

Yeah, sporks are awesome… even the name is cool. And your take on knives?

Ahhhh, the knife! Both stupid and useful! The stupid part is, you need a smooth edge for spreading, but you need a sharp edge for cutting, except you can’t have a sharp edge when you’re spreading, and it’s impossible to cut anything with a smooth edge. So there’s a utensil that you actually need two of! One for spreading, and one for cutting; but all they ever include in the set is the spreading knife. They make you buy the cutting knives separately, even give them a fancy name to justify why you need to buy them separately—they’re steak knives! 






Dammit… You’re right… maybe a small spoon is stupid. 

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